Loving Our Kids on Purpose

Recently, I finished reading Danny Silk's book, Loving Our Kids on Purpose. The author is some sort of family or associate pastor, but he indicates that he wrote the book because of his experience as a foster-parent having to utilize non-corporal discipline exclusively. Despite the stated basis for the book, it appears the only specific examples he cites pertain to his natural children.

His main argument in the book is that parents should love their children without causing them to fear punishment or discipline such as spanking or the rod. His primary, and perhaps sole, scriptural support is I John 4:18 which states, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."

On the surface, the above verse makes a fairly convincing case. After all, it seems pretty clear that fear and love are mutually exclusive at least in this passage. And although Mr. Silk does not exactly build his case with scripture, he does pull out of his bag of tricks a handy anecdote, which he repeats "ad nauseum", to really cinch the deal. It appears that at some point in time either he or one of his children noticed a picture of a large yellow construction-sized dump-truck crushing a red street-sized pick-up. Upon viewing this picture he seems to have had an epiphany of sorts and concluded that there are no yellow trucks in Heaven.

I know pastors love their illustrations, but this book is a perfect example of how widely misused they are even by the clergy. First of all, I will admit that illustrations do have their place in helping one to understand a difficult concept. However, illustrations are not scripture; nor do they carry the weight or force of scripture. Unfortunately, Mr. Silk relies on this illustration to be one of, if not the primary, source(s) of evidence for his premise. Although Mr. Silk draws some debatable conclusions from this illustration, it really doesn't amount to a hill of beans because he relies on the illustration, not scripture, as proof for his point.

So let's get back to what scriptural support Mr. Silk does use -- I John 4:18. On page 54 of his book Mr. Silk defines the passage by saying, "It means that all the fear leaves your life when love comes in. There is no fear of punishment in love!"

The Greek word translated as "fear" in this passage is phobos, and it means alarm or fright according to Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible. Additionally, there are several other closely related words such as phobeo. However, just like many English words, context is important to defining the Greek phobos and its derivatives. Perhaps that is why I Corinthians 2:12-13 gives the following instruction:

Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God; that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God. Which things also we speak, not in the words which man's wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual.

Now, while I concede that I John 4:18 certainly makes a profound theological point regarding the Christian's relationship to his Savior, I am not convinced that it is a universal truth applicable to the parent-child relationship. If, as Mr. Silk puts it, "...fear leaves your life when love comes in," then how does he explain the following "problem" texts to name just a few of the many examples available:

"And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word." -- Matthew 28:8

"And they were all amazed, and they glorified God, and were filled with fear, saying, We have seen strange things to day." -- Luke 5:26

"There is no fear of God before their eyes." -- Romans 3:18

"Render therefore to all their dues: tribute to whom tribute is due; custom to whom custom; fear to whom fear; honour to whom honour." -- Romans 13:7

Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God....For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter....And his inward affection is more abundant toward you, whilst he remembereth the obedience of you all, how with fear and trembling ye received him. -- II Corinthians 7:1,11,15

"Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." -- Ephesians 5:21

"Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling." -- Philippians 2:12

"Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear." -- I Timothy 5:20

"And if ye call on the Father, who without respect of persons judgeth according to every man's work, pass the time of your sojourning here in fear:" -- I Peter 1:17

"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:" -- I Peter 3:15

In a word, he doesn't. Frankly, I found this aspect of the book rather alarming coming from a man who identifies himself as a pastor. Perhaps I shouldn't be shocked, but this was a scripturally shallow, if not outright erroneous, book written to scripturally shallow readers. The real tragedy is that Mr. Silk's book is only one of many such "wishy-washy" publications readily received by many of today's Christians and "pseudo-Christians" alike.

So even though Mr. Silk fails to prove his case, his book does have some merits that may make it worth reading. For instance, he does bring home the point that parenting and bullying often resemble each other a little too closely for comfort in the American fundamentalist paradigm. Also, he poses some very good questions about what one's goals should be in parenting one's children. But perhaps the most redeeming feature of the book are the examples he cites with his children. The stories reveal what correction can look like sans spanking.

So perhaps unwittingly Mr. Silk has indeed inspired me with Loving Our Kids on Purpose. Although I am not ready to remove spanking from my parenting toolbox, I am compelled to try other tools first. Even more significantly, Mr. Silk has prompted me to reassess my parenting goals and to utilize discipline in accordance with these goals. Finally, he has encouraged me to use creativity in parenting instead of solely relying on a single method of correction.

Tebah

The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make thee an ark....
-- Genesis 6:11-14a

The Hebrew word translated as "ark" is tebah, and it is used only in reference to the vessel that Noah built and the much smaller one built for baby Moses as recorded in Exodus chapter 2. What these two arks had in common is intriguing: for one thing, they both saved their passengers from certain death; and for another, the builders of both arks had to place their faith in God and His word to benefit from them.

Let's take a closer look at Noah and his ark. One thing you may want to note from the start is that up until the flood rain had never fallen on the Earth. Genesis 2:5-6 states, "And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground. But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground."

Now if God told you or me to build an ark because there was a flood coming, we would most likely not follow through because of our unbelief despite the fact that we are familiar with rain, floods, and other such things. Imagine, if you will, the level of faith Noah exercised in obeying God and building an ark for an event never yet witnessed to even the slightest degree. It would be roughly comparable to God giving us some monumental undertaking to prepare for global destruction from fire or stone raining down from the sky. I think we can agree that God's grace was still working in Noah's life.

Although it took about a century (One must remember that Noah and his contemporaries enjoyed a very generous lifespan.), Noah finished building the ark. One can scarcely imagine the mockery and scoffing he endured from others of his time while he was building the ark. However, once he was done the ark stood as a truly massive testament to God's love and grace. Although it's exact size and shape are open to some debate, the ark was a rather large project to say the least. It was probably about the same size as a W.W. II aircraft carrier. It may be the biggest structure ever built by an individual.

Well, you are probably familiar with the rest of Noah's history. He, his wife, his three sons and their wives were the only representatives of humanity to place their faith in God and enter the ark. Additionally, God arranged for mating pairs as well as extras of certain kinds of non-aquatic animals to board the ark. Finally, Noah had loaded the ark with food and other supplies at God's command. Once all were aboard the ark with Noah "...the LORD shut him in" (Genesis 7:16b). According to Genesis 7:11a the same day that Noah entered the ark "...were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened."

What followed was a disaster that was uniquely destructive in both its intensity and scope. To say that people were inundated in the Deluge is to engage in gross understatement. Not only did it rain for forty days, but vast reservoirs of water under the seabed broke open like fountains likely resulting in earthquakes and tidal waves around the world. The resulting destruction and salvation happened just as God had told Noah:

And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth. And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters. And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered. Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered. And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man: All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died. And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark. And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.
-- Genesis 7:17-24

Aside from recording the historical account of a singular event in the world's history, the story of Noah is meant to impress upon us an important truth for us today:

But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. By faith Noah, being warned of God of things not seen as yet, moved with fear, prepared an ark to the saving of his house; by the which he condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith.
Hebrews 11:6-7

The Lord Jesus Christ is our ark to save us from condemnation and destruction. However, we only enter into a relationship with Him by faith in Him alone for our salvation. Just as there was only one way to escape the flood in Noah's day, Jesus is the only way to escape our rightly deserved sentence of eternal death in hell because of our sin. In both instances God has been gracious and provided a way of salvation, but will you believe God and be saved?

Chen

Our sin is a horrible thing. You don't have to look far to see its prevalence and harmful effects. Sin abounds in news stories from around the world and just down the street. Daily, we practice sin in our homes, commit it at school or work, and even seek for it in our entertainment. Beyond any shadow of a doubt, we are absolutley entrenched in our sin. However, the incredible fact is that once upon a time it was even worse:

And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart. And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
-- Genesis 6:5-7

Seriously, can you fathom in your deepest imagination living in a world where every single thought of every person in the whole world is exclusively evil? Whether we can comprehend it or not, that is exactly what the world was like a mere nine generations after Adam. It is hardly surprising that such a state of affairs "grieved [God] at his heart" and moved Him to utterly destroy His creation with a flood. What is surprising is Genesis 6:8 which states, "But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD."

Moreover the law entered, that the offence might abound. But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound: That as sin hath reigned unto death, even so might grace reign through righteousness unto eternal life by Jesus Christ our Lord.
-- Romans 5:20-21

In order to begin to appreciate the heights of God's grace, one must recognize the depraved depths of sin. If you care to read Genesis chapter 6, then you will notice that no where is Noah excluded from the shared wickedness and condemnation of the rest of humanity. In other words the thoughts of his heart were continually evil, too. It was only after he "found grace in the eyes of the LORD" that he was described as "a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God" -- Genesis 6:9b. Noah got out of his horrible pit of sin because God in His grace reached down and brought him out. It was through God's grace that Noah was reckoned as "just" and "perfect" as well as his being reunited with God.

Sadly, nearly every religion in the world is at odds with this simple but important account. Religion wants to teach you to be just and perfect in order to earn God's grace. There are two major problems with this line of thinking. First, grace is not something one earns. Second, even if one could "earn" grace, humans are utterly unable to do so because of our nature having been corrupted by sin. Unfortunately, you cannot climb out of your horrible pit of sin; but God would bring you out of it as we shall see in the next post because God's grace had only just begun in Noah's life.